How High a Bridge?

    It turns out there are things you can say that seem totally innocuous that certain people seem to take the wrong way.  Maybe they took them the right way.  I dunno.  There have been times when, if someone was trying to beat some sense into me I musta been the smartest guy in town.  It has also occurred to me that knowing you are right can be the worst possible thing you can know.
    That started early.  I was being berated by my Mother for some youthful transgression.  I don't remember what it possibly could have been among the transgressions a six or seven year old might commonly commit.  It couldn't have been that bad.  I did use the defense that my companions had done it too.
    " If they had jumped off a bridge would you jump too!!?"
    " How high a bridge?"  Yeah, I got nailed for that.  My mother had no discernible sense of humor.
    I did find out years later if others jumped naked, in the dark, off the Harmony Junction Bridge after a night of drinking and other hell raising I, indeed, would do it as well.  Maybe the Old Lady was on to something.  It was worth seeing the girls naked. The jump, not the whack in the head.  Well, maybe...
    One time I said to a cop, " I'm a citizen of the United States, as such I have rights. You are violating them."  Yeah, got the hell beat out of me for that.  Again, sometimes knowing you're right can be the worst possible thing you can know.  I will say these cops seemed to have a sense of humor. They found it pretty funny.  I still don't get that joke.
    I, one time, told a couple cops I thought the Miranda warnings were meant to remind police officers what they weren't allowed to do.  I wasn't charged with a crime for that. I did get the snot beat out of me and spent 26 days in jail.
    I, one time, told a cop he was proving he could be a bigger asshole sober than I could be drunk. That might have gone ok except the other cops started to laugh.  I got whacked in the kidneys for that and I spent the week-end in jail.  Pissing blood but just a little.  No paper work.  It turns out I was right again. See how that works?
    One time a cop asked me how many drinks I'd had that day. I'd had half a drink before he rudely interrupted me. I asked him how many steroids he'd taken that day. That pissed the fat, pimply juicer off pretty good. Yeah, he whacked me pretty good to prove it.  Another week-end in jail with no paperwork.  I'm sensing a pattern and the common denominator seems to be me being a smart ass.
    I asked this idiot, one time, who he thought he was talking to. He said he was talking to a skinny, old man.  All I said was, " I got your skinny old man right here."  I may have made a gesture. He Sunday punched me.  The bad news for him was; it was a Tuesday, I wasn't that skinny and I didn't get old by accident.
    This all must sound like a horror story and it would be if it had happened in a few weeks, a few months or even a few years.  It did happen in nearly sixty years of going thru life with a smile on my face and a joke rather than a bad word or insult on my lips. Sometimes you can say the wrong things to the wrong people but most people are nice if you just smile. Even the wrong people.
    Most times you can say, " Hey, ya wanna go skinny dipping?" and no one asks how high a bridge and the girls take off their clothes.